Its a Monday evening, extremely cold and the scent of last night’s rain still lingers in the air.
Rain – – – – – –
Rain reminds me of my freshmen year here, at this place. Reminds me of my lonesome self, my struggles, my pain… this makes it hard to keep all my feelings on check, it becomes harder to stay strong. I’ve been extremely moody the past week and I keep getting out of control. I hate myself for being so aggressive the past few days but I’m afraid I know what the solution is…but I can’t do that, I can’t face the fact that he came back just to hurt me because I was doing completely fine without him.
Guy problems is nothing compared to the fear I have let build up inside myself, of going to visit my home country, meeting the people there and living with them for 2 weeks.. I don’t know If I’ll be able to control myself with them; they have all hurt me in their own way so yeah..
A thing a friend once told me, that I need to stop taking everything to the heart. Well that was the most painful thing I had ever heard cause It’s the biggest truth about me. Worst part, it doesn’t go away. Her pointing that out just made things worse, made me hate myself even more.
Well I need to get out of this depression pool I’ve submerged myself into and I’ll do that soon, I hope so.
I haven’t slept on time today as well, it’s almost 2 am which is extremely bad, especially with the fact that I have work first thing in the morning (7am).
Oh well toodles!
It’ll be over soon, or so I tell myself. I need to keep a hold of myself especially when there isn’t really anyone I could talk to. So I write here. It’s easier to put my feelings somewhere where no one knows me and they’ll never find out –
Good Night –
Time to time, people still ask me if I feel anything or if I’m crying whenever watching a heartfelt movie. And my reply has been NO, unless it manages to cut me deeply.
There are times I miss that little girl who used to cry over silly movies. Who felt what the characters felt in the movies, but she is gone somewhere. Maybe lost or just hiding underneath the blanket. On the contrary, the way I am now, no one can make fun of me nor tease me for feeling for fictional characters. Lets just say I’ve cried enough to last me a life time. Plus, I would choose heartless over being told “cry baby”, “get over yourself”, “move on”, and “grow up” anytime.
Love is painful, especially when you realize you have been giving your all to the wrong person this entire time. You see all the wrong things he/she has been doing to you and they keep flashing at the back of your head at times when you can’t handle it any longer. Truth be told “Love isn’t enough” and it took me over 3 years to realize that. I get better every day, though. Time will heal everything eventually. I’m hoping so…
Days feel longer when its filled with extra outsider frustrations. But I get through with some help of course and A LOT of TV shows, coffee and dark chocolate too.
Sometimes I wonder if all my hard work is gonna go to waste. But what I have always wanted seems at my reach so I’m trying so hard not to give up. I don’t need bangladesh not UAE; what I need is canada or some place where I can spend the rest of my life till my last breath, So I just need you, Allah, to give me strength to survive during the times I almost give up and also in the hardest of days which I already know you are giving.
That’s enough for today. I have a big day tomorrow, I hope I enjoy it as much as I can and not worry too much.